The Pros of Stress Cleaning from a parent and LPN’s perspective -HeartlineRising

There are few things in life quite like being the father of a 15-year-old girl who is starting high school.

It is an experience that combines the emotional complexity of adolescence, the social pressure of high school, changing family dynamics, and enough hormones to power a small metropolitan area.

And then there’s me. 

The only man living with four strong willed women.

I’m a dad. I’m a nurse. and I’m a chronic patient. Heck, I’ve spent enough time in hospitals to know that the human body can tolerate an astonishing amount of nonsense before it finally says, “Nope. We’re done here.”

“And Damnnn does it mean it!”

Today feels like one of those days. 

Which has led me here, to this very moment, where I’m also trying to build a healthy, functional family while blending and integrating into a new family dynamic. Whew, I now have a firm role within a 17 year old and 4 almost 5 years old lives. Mix that with a “I’m entering independence phased 15 year old, and I feel it, that stress, settling on my shoulders. 

Deep, bruising the tissue below kind of heavy. 

And sometimes, despite everyone's best intentions, things get messy. 

Like real life messy

Not just the house. But yes, that has taken a slight back seat to “Life”.

I mean the relationships and dynamics of a blended family. The complexities of seamlessly blending multiple beings of estrogen, all while not feeling like I’m mansplaning it to a sour patch Karen.  

Sometimes Communication Doesn't Work

We've tried respectful conversations.

We've tried talking things through.

We've tried giving space.

We've tried not giving space. Women, I’m telling ya, make up your mind… Sheesh. Like please help a man out here! 

We’ve tried family building activities.

We've tried being patient.

We've tried being understanding.

We've tried explaining expectations.

We've tried listening.

We've tried asking questions instead of making assumptions.

We've tried all the things you're apparently supposed to do when raising a teenager and attempting to build a healthy relationship. 

And guess what….

We're moving it into therapy!

Cause those methods, yeah, they haven’t worked…. 

And no, before you say anything, we’re NOT going into therapy because it’s explosive or there's harm, but rather because I’d like to experience as little of that as possible. As an LPN I understand the importance of a healthy, functioning for you, mind and body, and I’m willing to make the investments that aid in open communication and prioritizes a healthy and happy home. Which, ladies I’m telling you, that’s all that a well rounded man really wants, is peace. Which means it’s up to me to take ACTION and stabilize my home.

To a certain degree, it’s actually impressive how feisty it gets. You are wrong, of course,  for trying to communicate simple tasks, only to have the conversation go approximately as well as trying to negotiate with a raccoon trapped in your kitchen.

That's the part parenting books don't emphasize. These children, that we brought into the world, who we love and support and emotionally bond with, turn around and hiss at us and are all too happy to bite. 

Why does being a parent have to be so hard? 

Like shit man, I’m over here giving it my best! 

Which reminds me, YOU can do everything "right" and still NOT get the result you want.

Like what the actual fuck. 

And I wanted this, I remember being a teen, dreaming adulthood and the ability to be my own person in full. 

LMAO, talk about rose colored glasses! 

Does anyone else feel deceived?! 

Oh, and can we please talk for a moment about the pressure that men have these days! 

Like, hello, Dad is overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated, emotional, and trying to figure out what the hell he's doing too.

HEAVY SIGH,  It’s okay, I guess…

I'm just supposed to be better at hiding it.

So yeah, raise a glass up in salute, to therapeutic communication, which, as a nurse, I fully advocate for. As a man and Dad, it’s my responsibility to make sure that all of the ladies within my home feel valued, supported and heard. While prioritizing my need for peace. I suppose this is what one would call ‘leading a family’.

Enter: Stress Cleaning

Ha ha ha ha, of course it wasn’t that easy….

This is where stress cleaning comes in.

Stress cleaning isn't exactly a therapeutic intervention, per say.

And no, I'm not suggesting you replace counseling with a mop. Although there are moments where I feel like my mop listens more intently and heck, it doesn’t cost me a damn thing. But, by all means, please don't call your therapist and announce that you've discovered the cure for family conflict in a bottle of degreaser.

What I will say is that, there is something surprisingly useful about taking all that emotional energy and giving it a job!

A real elbow greaser of “I’m sweating profusely and proud and full well expecting the chirps of awe from my partner.” Which thankfully she constantly expresses to me. And even better, I never have to hint at it or bluntly ask, she simply acknowledges and praises my manly take charge attitude. So what, if I’m dancing with a mop while expressing my inner most snarls. 

It’s the relief I feel when a conversation has gone nowhere, and I can sink my mind into a D&D podcast or some early 2000’s alt punk rock and clean something like my impending reflection will reveal the universe to me (Oh wait….that song MAY be from a disney movie?!). 

Or when I’m carrying around a dozen unresolved frustrations, I can organize something. Alphabetically, numerically, pattern based, hell expiration based. It will and can be organized to its fullest potential. 

When I want to scream into a pillow but still have responsibilities and some version of self respect, suddenly that garage shelf looks like it has personally offended me.

And it is now my mission to instill in it corrective action.

There Is Something Satisfying About a Problem You Can Actually Solve

Relationships are complicated.

(ha ha ha ha, right!)

You can't always fix them on Tuesday afternoon.

You can't force another person to communicate differently.

You can't make someone process their emotions on your preferred schedule.

You can't scrub years of misunderstanding off a countertop with enough determination.

But you can clean the countertop.

And sometimes that's exactly what you need.

A squeaky clean, I can see my reflection, epitome of a problem solved. 

And what feels better in the moment, then:

The garage is a disaster?

Not a problem, give me air pods and the cleaning caddy. Cause honey, I’m the solution.

The junk drawer is ridiculous?

I’ll dump it out, reglue the tracks, and stain the faceplate, Cause honey, I’ll be the solution.

That closet you've been avoiding for three years?

Unfortunately, there is NO solution. That’s a YOU thing my dear. 

Awe at how cleaning allows one to establish a goal, make a plan, and accomplish something real, tangible, without fuss; just effort meets results. 

Let me tell ya, accomplishment feels pretty damn good when other parts of your life feel completely out of your control.

Make the Anger Productive

There is a difference between pretending you're not angry and finding somewhere appropriate to put that anger.

I'm not talking about breaking things.

I'm not talking about throwing things around.

I'm not talking about cleaning so aggressively that the vacuum requires its own medical record.

Legit, I once powered cleaned my poor shark into an early grave, may it rest in pieces. 

What I am talking about is using that surge of energy in a productive way.

Scrub the bathtub.

Clean the refrigerator.

Pull weeds.

Reorganize the garage.

Wash the car.

Clean out the closet.

Finally tackle the project you've been avoiding.

Turn the frustration into movement.

Sometimes you need to sweat a little.

Sometimes you need to scrub something that absolutely did not deserve that level of personal hostility, that poor sod of a scrub daddy laying lifelessly at the bottom of the sink, the mound of dishes completed, lining the counters as they air dry. And, yes, I am an american with a dish washer, but that would have defeated the dragon for me, and I don’t take the easy way out, just ask Vonnah. 

But the real joy and win, is the feeling of “Well, at least something got fixed today”.

The Mental Benefit of Having a Task

There's another reason stress cleaning works for me.

It gives my brain something specific to concentrate on.

(Yup- I know what this is called- avoidance. But who's focused on the details here, you or me. Anyways, back to the point at hand…)

When family conflict is swirling around in your head, it's easy to replay conversations.

I should have said this.

Why did she say that?

Maybe I handled that wrong.

What should I do differently next time?

Why isn't this working?

How many times are we going to have the same conversation?

That mental loop IS exhausting and also known as rumination, That according to some mental health professionals (and based on context of course) is bad. So avoid I’ll it, at least for now.

Plus hey, when you're standing in the garage with a pile of junk in front of you, the question becomes considerably simpler:

Does this go in the trash, stay, or get donated?

Finally!

(The angles sing Hallelujah)

A problem with categories.

My favorite kind

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Creating Change When Change Feels Impossible

One of the hardest parts of trying to build a relationship with a teenager is accepting that change isn't always immediate.

Sometimes you can communicate respectfully over and over again and still find yourself having the same argument six weeks later.

Sometimes you make progress and then seemingly lose it.

Sometimes you think you've finally figured something out, only to discover that your teenager has apparently installed a completely new operating system overnight.

And no you do not have keys to the system. Nor an Operating systems for Dummies manual here.

Which is frustrating.

And have I said exhausting…? cause it is! 

It's also normal.

People don't change simply because we've explained something really well. Or hammered our heads against a board, or sat listening patiently to their claims of reform. 

Relationships don't improve because we've checked every box on the "healthy communication" list.

And teenagers certainly don't become emotionally regulated just because Dad has delivered an exceptionally well-constructed lecture on emotional regulation. 

(And yes, I may have considered commandeering the white board….OK! I have done that once before…)

Believe me.

I've tried.

The truth is, I can't control another person's choices.

I can control mine.

I can choose whether I escalate.

I can choose whether I walk away.

I can choose whether I come back to the conversation later.

I can choose whether I continue trying.

And sometimes I can choose to clean the damn garage.

Cause I’m a man dammit, and a human! 

Stress Cleaning Isn't Avoidance…(Exactly..)

There's a fine line between taking a healthy break from a difficult situation and avoiding the situation entirely.

And I like to think that I walk that line like a sober man,holding a beer, while being forced to walk the plank, pushed back by the meanest red head in heels he’s ever encountered. 

Stress cleaning shouldn't become an excuse to never have The Hard Conversation.

The conversation still needs to happen and preferably without the windex in your hand.

The relationships will always need a level of attention and time. 

Parenting still needs to happen.

And the therapy still has value.

But sometimes the best thing you can do in the moment is to say:

"I'm too frustrated to have this conversation productively right now. I'm going to step away, cool down, and we'll come back to it."

And now my favorite part, if you haven’t guessed it… Stress Cleaning. 

Come on down! (Mad props if you said that like Bob Barker.)

It’s free. 

It’s productive. 

It’s helpful.

And if you’re lucky the Misses may just reward you for it later. Now if you're asking me, that’s an added value!

And that’s what we call emotional regulation….on many fronts… if you catch my drift. 

(Yes, Vonnah is narrowed eye’d at that one.Yikes.)

Give Yourself a Goal

One of my favorite things about stress cleaning is the ability to create a very small, very achievable goal.

Not:

"I'm going to fix my family."

That's a little ambitious for a Saturday afternoon, even for me.

Instead:

"I'm going to clean this room to my standards.”

Or:

"I'm going to organize this closet until the floor is bare."

Or:

"I'm going to spend 30 minutes working on the project I've been avoiding."

Then do it.

Set the goal.

Start the task.

Finish something.

Look at what you've accomplished.

That little bit of control can be surprisingly powerful when the bigger picture feels chaotic. And that’s saying something as a manager of a skilled nursing facility, where stress is served like bundt cakes, minus the ice cream. 

You Just Need to Burn Off the Emotional Static (Shock free of charge)

Being a parent doesn't mean you stop having emotions.

Being a nurse doesn't mean you're automatically calm.

Being an adult doesn't mean you've mastered everything.

And being a Dad doesn't mean you always know exactly what to say.

Heck, half the time being a Dad means saying the wrong things. 

But all jokes aside, sometimes you're tired.

Sometimes you're hurt.

Sometimes you're frustrated.

Sometimes you're scared that you're getting something wrong and in a major way. 

Sometimes you're trying so hard to create a healthy family dynamic that you forget you're also a human being standing in the middle of it being tossed around like a buoy lost at sea. 

Stress cleaning gives me somewhere to put some of that emotional static.

It lets me turn "I don't know what to do with this" into "I can do this."

And maybe that's the biggest benefit.

Not the clean house.

Not the organized garage.

Not the satisfaction of finally throwing away that mysterious box of cables nobody has used since 2014.

(Oh, you had one of those too? Feels good right, to finally toss that crap out, a coax cable, relic I tell ya.)

I’ll just be over here, sitting with the reminder that I can still make something better.

Maybe I can't solve the relationship today.

Maybe I can't make teenagers understand where I'm coming from.

Maybe I can't control what happens next.

But I can make this little corner of the world better.

One shelf.

One drawer.

One project.

One deep breath at a time.

And tomorrow, if all else fails, there's always some drain that needs to be unclogged, with four women in a house that's just a reality. 

While stress cleaning isn't the solution to parenting teenagers, it's just one way of surviving the moments when the solution isn't immediately obvious—and reminding yourself that even when you can't fix everything, you can still make progress even if it’s just cleaning