Back at Step One — Fifteen Years Later

It feels surreal to find myself standing in a place I thought I’d left behind fifteen years ago. Only this time, it’s worse. My injuries weren’t caused by me — not exactly. A series of massive, life‑altering events unfolded, the kind I’m not ready to fully unpack today. And yes, there’s bitterness in that. It tastes like steel. To be put back in this position again, with even more of my body affected, and to be mistreated in ways that showed no concern for me… it’s soul‑crushing.

Let me break it down.

My lower neck is showing signs of disc involvement — a nerve‑related injury that may be a bulge or rupture. It sends burning sensations through the backs of my upper arms, throbbing pain across my chest and upper back, and a generalized weakness in my hands and arms. Typing is nearly impossible; I’m writing this through voice text because holding proper posture makes everything flare. My body rejects the upright pose. I’m stuck searching for that one strange position — the one that hurts the least — and staying there as long as I can.

For two weeks, I’ve been drowning in the agony of it. It’s taken a toll on my mental health.

And then there’s the second injury — an old, unwelcome friend. My L5–S1 disc is bulging again, pressing on the nerve. I had surgery there fifteen years ago after a rupture that left me barely able to walk. It took six years to reach a place of tolerable pain. Not perfect, but livable.

Now, post‑surgery, the bulge is causing sciatica, numbness, and tingling down my right leg. Sometimes my leg just… stops working. And my left leg still carries the residual sciatica from the original injury.

So in short: both arms, both legs, and most of my back are affected. Only my mid‑back is pain‑free — and even that area stiffens and aches.

I’m not saying any of this for attention. Please don’t comment with pity. I’m saying it because I refuse to hide from what I’m experiencing. I want to walk through this honestly, with you.

I know what it’s like to overcome injuries like this. I’ve done it before. And I’ll do it again. It may take ten years — but I will heal.

Healing from injuries like this isn’t easy.

There’s no one‑step cure.

There’s no rushing it.

There’s no pretending.

There’s only real‑life impact and adaptive behavior.

Right now, I’m off work for medical reasons, waiting for further testing. I’m in a holding pattern. And I’m trying to make the most of it, because I know how easy it is to let pain take over your mind. But my mind is the one thing I can influence immediately.

It shakes me to realize I’m back at step one — the same place I was fifteen years ago. You’d think I would’ve made more lasting changes. And in some ways, I did. But I didn’t stick with most of them. Not long term.

Why?

After a lot of reflection, I found three answers:

1. Situational choices — I can see why I made them, even if they weren’t ideal.

2. Lack of self‑control.

3. Insufficient follow‑through.

But I’m 40 now. The changes I make this time have to stick. Otherwise I’d be condemning myself to a lifestyle that doesn’t fit my dreams or goals — and why would I do that? Self‑sabotage isn’t on the list.

Step One: Get Your Mindset Right

This isn’t the time to live inside your pain.

This isn’t the time to become a prisoner.

This isn’t the time to doubt yourself.

You need strength.

You need determination.

You need the desire to heal.

You need to commit to your health journey.

You need faith in yourself — unwavering faith — that you can see yourself healed.

Staying like this is not an option.

Yes, there will be limitations.

Yes, some days will feel like losses.

But healing is about making more days count than disappear.

It’s about learning to work with your body — and right now, that starts with your mind.

I’m choosing to view this time as the universe telling me to slow down. To lie down. To rest. To reconnect with my body in a deep, intentional way — a way that leads to healing, growth, and a healthier version of me.

For me, step one looks like listening to my affirming music playlist on our YouTube channel.

Opening my curtains and letting the light in. Spending time with my plants.

Engaging with my community.

Practicing deep breathing to calm my nervous system.

Spending meaningful time with those that I love.

Anyone who has lived with long‑term pain knows you’ll do anything to take your mind off it.

These things while simple do help me.

If any part of this speaks to you, I hope you’ll take on STEP ONE with me.

To make it easier to follow along, I’m creating a $10 worksheet for STEP ONE — for anyone who wants to begin healing from long‑term illness or injury or struggles with keeping a positive mindset- then this is for you! Following this framework allowed me to live mostly pain‑free for fifteen years, and that’s something I’m proud of. I’ve proved that following this framework aided in my healing and I’m ready to take it on again.

Cheers to our journey and our health.

All my best,

Vonnah